The last time I was in Las Vegas with my high school friends, I sprung up from a six-hour stint of lounging in bed to write a blog post titled Stop Auditioning for Other People's Lives. I was hit with a wave of inspiration, as so often happens when I travel and get out of my daily routine. This time in Las Vegas (Bloggers in Sin City FTW!), I came to a similar conclusion through the amazing love and support of a blogger I met there; an instant soul-sister and a wise, wise woman. If you don't already subscribe to Chelsea Talks Smack, do so immediately. She is an absolute rock-star (literally), and inspired this week's thought:
What if I was just myself?
- What if I let myself feel my feelings instead of stuffing them down and pretending they don't exist?
- What if I stopped measuring myself by my accomplishments and productivity and number of emails sent per day?
- What if I told you all that I don't have it all figured out? If you haven't already noticed ;-)
- What if I let you see the fun, crazy side in addition to the professional one?
I'll tell you what: I'd have more fun, for starters. I wouldn't burst into tears the minute someone asks me about dating and relationships. I'd be a clean-burning fire, and contribute positive, cheerful energy to a room the way that I know I can. I'd sprinkle my "gold dust" around and I would lift people up.
I would take care of myself so that I could be there for others. So that I could be truly happy for them and celebrate their successes even in the areas that I feel most stuck. I would relax. And feel a little happier...a little more joyful.
The Grace in Falling Apart
Pam Slim wrote a fantastic post today called The Grace in Falling Apart. For the most part, I have my shit together. Look! I swore on my blog! Letting loose already! But there is a part of me that desperately wants to fall apart. And I would like to let her. She's been cooped up long enough.
Don't worry, falling apart doesn't mean running away or doing anything drastic. It just means admitting that I actually have FEELINGS (and letting them out), which isn't always easy for me to do.
Denial: The Busy Person's Answer To Feelings
According to my Enneagram type (I am obsessed with personality tests and The Widsom of the Enneagram book is amazing), Achievers tend to suppress their feelings by staying busy (Sandboxed Life, much?). They avoid intimacy because they can get more done and keep up the success mask that way. Their basic fear is of being worthless outside of their achievements.
Achievers fear that "closeness will allow others to see that they actually do not have it all together." So rather than risk rejection, "they will typically try to pull themselves together and achieve more so that others will be satisfied with them."
Their motto? "Feelings are like speed bumps - they just slow me down." Tell me if that doesn't sound exactly like the ecards I made five months ago! (Rule: if you click on the links you're supposed to laugh).
I'd make a terrible robot
As another wise teacher (who gave me the courage to actually hit "publish" on this post) told me recently: "The most beautiful part of you is that you are vulnerable. That at your core you are a normal, sensitive girl...even though you hide it with an extraordinarily hard shell. Hiding any insecurity or fear is just plain silly because everyone has insecurities and fears. That's what makes us humans and not bots. People will love you regardless of any shortcoming you may think you have."
So that's my assignment this week (and beyond). To stop hiding, to keep sharing and to keep feeling. And to just be myself.
P.S. Now someone please crack a joke, because all this feeling talk is making me uncomfortable! Time for a good laugh! Or a cupcake. Or another trip to Las Vegas with 70+ awesome bloggers. Is it time for #BiSC 2011 yet?