What I'm Afraid of...and What I Know

This post is a "rip the bandaid off" exposé on some recent vulnerabilities of mine. If I don't share them now, I might just sweep them under the rug, and then nobody learns. Normally this is the level of detail I only share with my Inside Scoop readers; but when I woke up this morning at 4 a.m. after a crazy dream and the urge to write, I knew they had to be shared.

I posted a link for people to sign-up for my book tour on Tuesday. Less than 20 people have filled it out.

Giant red alarm bells started going off in my brain. "YOU ARE A FRAUD! AN IMPOSTOR! YOU got a book deal?! YOU are trying to take a self-funded book tour?! No one even wants to see you!"

Obviously these are fears. You might have just missed the link. Or maybe you were saving it for later. A bunch of my friends had already filled out a different one...so there's that. And the last thing I want to do is guilt you into coming!

But it reminded me - that with RIDICULOUSLY GIANT dreams come ridiculously giant fears. A sampling:

  • I'm afraid my excitement about the book will get annoying, tiresome, or boring for you.
  • I'm afraid that my book is coming out so soon and I won't have executed even half of the ideas I want to.
  • I'm afraid of saying "no" - to people, tasks and meetings - right now even though I HAVE TO to preserve my sanity while trying to juggle my book launch with my last six weeks at Google before sabbatical.
  • I'm afraid I will go to a city or a bookstore for a stop on my book tour and no one will show up.
  • I'm afraid I will run out of money during my 3.5 month unpaid leave, and that I will fail at my experiment of trying to generate my own paychecks.
  • I'm afraid I will have endless good ideas, but that I won't find the time to pursue them.
  • I'm afraid that if I do find ways to monetize my ideas, no one will buy them.
  • I'm afraid of gaining weight because "I want to look good for my book tour." I'm afraid of trying so hard to look like my inner critic's idealized version of "perfect" that I don't embrace what I have.
  • I'm afraid I'll work so hard - because I love what I'm doing - that I burn out. I'm afraid I won't enjoy the moment or appreciate my gifts or give thanks often enough.
  • I am afraid someone I love will get hurt or something bad will happen and I will hate myself for worrying about all of the above.

I am afraid of a lot of things.

But here is what I know to be true:

  • I KNOW that being on the field is all that matters. Playing the game is what counts. If you just sit in the stands, you automatically lose.
  • I know that if I didn't lift another finger, this book would still have legs (powerful ones!) and find its way into the world.
  • I know that I am THRILLED to travel and just BE in every city, even if no one shows up. I know that I have amazing bloggers, friends and readers across the country that WILL show up. Just being on the road is reward enough. Everything else is icing on the (cup)cake.
  • I know that this is what I have been building and working toward for my ENTIRE LIFE. Of course I'm nervous - but it's all good. It's all information, and it's all helping me grow into the next wonderful version of myself.
  • I know that I'm resourceful and creative and I WILL figure things out.
  • I know that everything is going to be okay.
  • I know that I have low moments just like the best of them, and that is what makes me human.
  • I know that I get up and keep going anyway, and that is what makes me tenacious. That is success beyond success.
  • I know that I am doing the very best I can, and I am proud of myself.

I also know that I will be getting the hard copy (final version) of my book any day now. I know that when I see it and hold it, all of the fears above will wash away.

It will all be worth it. It already is.