Oh wait! I have absolutely no idea. I have an August link round-up post all ready to go for this morning. It's full of articles I've been reading and interviews I've been doing . . . and . . . and . . . how can I post that when there's a bigger truth clawing it's way out?
Yesterday I told The Man that sometimes I need to process things in private before I can share them in public. What a load of B.S. Sure it's true sometimes, but other times it's just me being a big chicken about blogging.
The truth is, I've been preeeettty much a hot mess for the last few days. For reasons beyond my comprehension. I've had a pit in my stomach and a cloud of anxiety and sadness hovering over my head since I woke up on Friday.
I have tried everything I can think of to make it go away, in approximate order (some steps have been repeated):
- Yoga and Crossfit almost every day
- Walking through the streets of New York
- Talking to The Man
- Getting to work - coaching, emails, meetings, working on MSH for the new class
- Dinner and coffee with friends
- Talking on the phone with people I love
- Staring in the mirror - wondering how to make the damn waterworks stop
- Faking! It! Till! I! Make! It! DAMNIT!
- Cooking dinner at home with Julie (by cooking, I mean providing moral support)
- Watching Sex and the City in bed
- Buying self-help books on Kindle then berating myself for using them as an emotional crutch
- Feeling exhausted by my inner critic: the Personal Development Police's desire to constantly troubleshoot and fix me like a robot, ensuring everything out of my mouth is completely logical, attractive, and adheres to all self-help clichés
- Bursting into tears on the phone out of nowhere during an otherwise "normal" conversation yesterday. Followed by . . .
- Snot-nosed crying to friends and to myself about feeling like such a mess. Followed by . . .
- A hot shower. Followed by . . .
- Skipping yoga in lieu of eating Ben and Jerry's Frozen Yogurt ice cream under a blanket while watching Bachelor Pad on the couch.
Oh yeah, you heard me. BACHELOR PAD. Yes, it has come to this. When all else fails, delight in the batshit crazy of others.
And then I realized, for the umpteenth time, reminded by friends and The Man, that I cannot MAKE this go away.We can't ever just MAKE our feelings go away. Stuffing them down is simply a recipe for a volcanic eruption of emotion that will blindside you when you least expect it. Hello, yesterday afternoon!
This is about all I know right now:
- I have been feeling anxious. I can't explain it.
- I feel vulnerable.
- I even feel....gasp....a little needy for a little extra love and kindness. And I hate feeling needy.
- So by hating it, I am judging myself about those fears and feelings.
- I am judging myself for not having it more together right in this moment. For not being stronger. More trusting. For not being in that relaxed, easeful place that I've been in the last few months (and loving).
- I feel shame and embarrassment about all the crying and anxiety.
- I feel worried that you will judge me.
- I feel apologetic for being upset when nothing "on paper" is actually wrong and I have so much to be thankful for.
- I feel sorry for "imposing" this mood on others, for burdening them with my seemingly-silly problems. Inner critic enters stage left: Careful! It could be contagious! Or become a self-fulfilling prophecy of hurt and rejection!
- I feel frustrated that none of my self-soothing fixes seem to be working. But writing this post and saying it out loud IS helping (albeit terrifying in it's own right).
- I feel scared to just sit in the discomfort, even though I know that's really what I need to do.
- I feel like this could all go away tomorrow (or today!), and that maybe I'll feel dumb for sharing it all so publicly.
And yet, part of me knows, that there is something beautiful and worthwhile here. That, as my friend Sally reminded me, nothing is broken. That in fact, the willingness to be vulnerable, open and honest (and even to fall apart) is a major ingredient for love, and for living a big, full life.
And that actually, I wouldn't have it any other way.
So, community that I respect and adore, I'm all ears -- any words of wisdom? How do you handle or sit with your feelings when they get totally overwhelming?
And yes, the round-up post will go up soon. But at least you're getting the deep-down-and-dirty-emotional round-up first :)
I leave you with these wise words from Brené Brown (thank you Jules for the reminder!) that have been very comforting for me these last few days:
“Your capacity to be whole-hearted can never exceed your capacity to be broken-hearted.”