Last December, during the magical week in which my friend Julie and I realized we simply had to move to New York, I met a guy. He will be hereto referred to as The Guy, so as to protect the innocent, though the only one about to be embarrassed by this post is me. Now I'm just crossing every finger and toe, hoping he doesn't actually read my blog!
Wherein I make myself sound like Debbie Desperate:
It was a snowy Saturday night at The Standard Hotel in the Meatpacking district, and I was all dressed up because I had just attended my NYC Angel Ann's 40th birthday party. See Exhibit A.
I'm not sure how The Guy and I started talking, but we didn't stop until 5am. And no, not "talking" as a euphemism; ACTUAL talking. With words and stuff.
We talked about life, big dreams, grand career ambitions, side hustling while working corporate jobs, taking risks, tough financial decisions, and creating a location independent lifestyle. After last call at the bar, we moved into the lounge -- ordered water and a grilled cheese sandwich -- and the conversation continued.
I was smitten.
He was handsome, tall, athletic, intelligent, successful and humble. The Guy and I hung out a few times that week, then it was time for me to head back to California. I expected all communication to end, given that we lived on opposite coasts, but I was secretly hoping it wouldn't.
During the week that we hung out, he was mysterious. A little hard to follow. I was never sure how interested he was. On a scale of 1-10, it could have easily been a 2 or an 8. After I got home, we did end up texting a little bit. I found myself thinking about him all the time.
The other day I joked that I'm dating my blog.
I haven't had a serious boyfriend since I started getting serious about my blog and book -- so, if you do the math, it's been a little over 3 years. Apparently I'm even pickier than I am busy! So when someone gets my attention -- really grabs it with chemistry and conversation -- I'm hard-pressed to let go. This is a flaw.
It's a flaw because I'm big on being treated with respect; but in a pining state, I accept so much less than what makes me happy. I settle for scraps - a text message here, a three-day (or three-week) wait time on the next reply there - and somehow project that things could still work out.
I tried forgetting about The Guy. Hard.
Do you know how many times I've been back to NYC since I met him? 3 times, including a one month stint. I still wonder about him every single time I'm there. I think about him when I'm out at night; when the conversations disappoint me and I wonder when I'll feel that excited about someone again. Which is crazy, since he didn't seem all that excited about me.
We hung out once when I was back there in May, but every sign in the universe (and my non-ringing phone) said, "He's just not that into you."
Note: If you haven't read my post Love & Limerence (with Break-up Template), that is a MUST. It explains the crazy "addicted to crack" feeling that love and it's crush cousin create.
Back in December I made a list of questions in my journal that I felt would help me work through the pining:
- The shame of wanting something that so clearly would be nothing
- Feeling crazy about obsessing over someone without it being reciprocated
- Identifying the gap between fantasy and actual reality
- Disappointment at not being able to move on
For the last seven months the questions have only lived in my journal for two reasons: a) I was debating when to embarrass myself by sharing this story, and b) I wasn't sure if it would actually be helpful. But alas, as with most things, I'd rather put it out there and let you all be the judge.
{Check out the Pining Prevention Plan template}
This is more of a reflection exercise than a template -- and to be honest, it won't PREVENT pining (I'd surely become a millionaire!) it will hopefully just help alleviate it. I just couldn't resist that great 3P alliteration...can you blame me?
The questions will help you work through your pining and hopefully see your situation in a new light that helps you move on. It will work even better if you have a friend who can help you talk through the answers to each of the questions.
It's still a MAJOR work in progress, so from those who try it, I would love to know:
Is it helpful? What other questions should I ask? What helps you move on from someone when it's clear things won't work out?
And finally,
How on Earth can one person who we can't have (or forget) drive us so damn crazy?!
Okay fine, that last one is rhetorical. ;)
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P.S. Make sure you actually visit my blog next week....the new redesign launches, baby! It will be the first time in SIX years that the logo and tagline will be updated (from when I designed my website myself in 2005) -- among making everything else prettier too. Thank you Nina Cross!
P.P.S. If you're not already, sign-up for my Inside Scoop behind-the-scenes monthly newsletter and you'll get access to my Organized Like a Ninja Tooklit and 15 (!!) kick-ass templates for every area of your life.