Christopher Morley on Life & Individuality

The following two quotes are from a man named Christopher Morley (1890 - 1957), a U.S. author and journalist. Both struck me as powerful and worth reflection. "There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way." -C. Morley

Lady in Red (Courtesy of jstrategy on Flickr)

"Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity." -C. Morley

And just to balance things out with a chuckle on the topic of individuality:

Are you spending your life in your own way, or living according to someone else's?

Exciting Job Update! (Video)

The time has come! After over 3.5 years on the Training & Development team for Online Sales & Operations at Google, I'm going to be switching teams in late September. I've been really looking forward to the day that I could finally share this news with you (I wanted to wait until everything was finalized and communicated internally first). Watch the one-minute video to find out where I'm headed!

Unrelated Art Plug: The beautiful painting in the background was done by my dad - check out his website to see more of his work. He's selling baseball card sized paintings for $10 each if you're looking for something to spruce up your apartment (if you want to buy any, shoot me an email). Click here to see what the cards can look like framed.

Stay tuned for a follow-up story next week about the steps I took to get my new position. It wasn't easy, but it taught me a lot about myself and the job searching process (even though it's an internal transfer).

Dating: Do you go for Quality or Quantity?

I've been loathe to cover details of my dating life on my blog for fear that my FH (future husband) will read them and get scared away. Well, the time has come for me to share, so the future hubby is just going to have to be charmed by my transparency. The confession I am living in a dating desert. The last time I went on a third date? When my ex-boyfriend and I started dating in the fall of 2006. Did you hear me?? 2006! We broke up a year and a half ago, in March of 2008. I think I could count the total number of dates I've had since then on one hand (okay one hand and two fingers). It's not like I'm purposefully not dating - I actually want to be in a relationship.

This is not a pity party Before I continue, let me make it clear that I am not looking to psycho-analyze every possible reason I am single. And this post is NOT a pity party. I'm sure many people have been single for much longer than me.

Most of the time I really enjoy my singlehood - but a good cuddle on the couch would be nice too. I am not sorry that I've been on exactly two second dates in a year and a half (during one of which the guy told me, "Women are like cars - better to lease then trade up when you're done.").

I think the "dating desert" comes from my preference for quality over quantity. Some might call that being picky. I call it "I enjoy my life and someone has to be pretty cool (with chemistry) to fit in it." My time is precious. I have more activities I enjoy and people to see than free hours in the week. While I would love to meet someone, I'm just not that into the idea of artificially stuffing MORE activities or random people into my schedule with that as my sole goal.

Have you tried online dating?! Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, likes to ask me if I've tried online dating. Yes. Twice. And I lost my patience after three weeks both times. I hated the feeling of having a "dating inbox" that caused me to obsess over what was in it every day, often filling up with sleazy messages like "You look like fun - let's have some." I also didn't have any chemistry with the people I met in person. Someone will inevitably then add, "But I went on 30 bad dates until I met THE ONE!"

Call me crazy, but I don't particularly want to go on 30 bad dates in the hopes of having one good one. Is that so wrong? Is it also so wrong to think that instead of mechanically arranging a first date based on my online dating resume that someone will see me from across the room in a coffee shop, think I look interesting, take a risk and come say hello?

Is my approach unreasonable? I ask these questions not with frustration, but with curiosity. Am I expecting too much? Is online dating and scheduling less-than-exciting-but-hey-I-left-the-house dates just how it works these days?

I still subscribe to two newspapers (the kind that get thrown onto your doorstep, not delivered to your feed reader); I still like to hold books in my hand (no offense Kindle), and I still believe in chance meetings, locked eyes across the room, and the thrill of talking to someone in public by our own nervous volition. Call me old-fashioned, but that's just how I roll. Hopefully if I haven't scared the FH away by now,  he'll appreciate that.

Big Day for Brazen Careerist!

I'm happy to help spread the word about Brazen Careerist's re-launch today. Like many Gen Y bloggers, I credit Brazen with propelling me and my blog further out into the world by introducing me to dozens of talented, smart, passionate, interesting people. Most of my "real life" friends and family think of me as a crazy (yet lovable, right?) technology and internet freak, buried in a world of blogging, tweeting, feed-reading and deliciousing that is completely foreign to them. Thanks to Brazen and resulting conversations on Twitter, I've been able to connect with awesome people who get it. The Brazen community on Twitter is also how I met one of my now closest friends earlier this year. Priceless!

Brazen forms community around ideas and people - a powerful combination. It gives new bloggers a voice in an otherwise crowded blogsphere, allowing ideas to win out over massive marketing and promotion. As the Brazen team puts it, "Traditional career sites focus on experience, something young professionals just don’t have. In a world where experience wins, the best way to level the playing field is to empower your ideas."

So if you haven't already, head on over to Brazen Careerist to check out the new features (which include a fan feed much like Facebook, an improved profile page, and a spot to post your resume).

To quote the endearing and hard-working Ryan Paugh, Brazen's Community Manager, "We have a better chance of success if we help each other get there." Amen.

Survey Feedback Summary: New Ideas for LAC

To those who took the time to take my recent reader survey: let me start by saying you are all so smart and inspiring! I'm sure those of you who haven't responded are just as brilliant. After reading your feedback and kind words, I am more motivated than ever to take Life After College to the next level. During the last two years of blogging, I've been pretty laid-back and "fly by the seat of my pants" with my blog. Now it's time for me to look forward and be more proactive about where I want the site to go. In the next few months I am going to set some concrete goals for my blog and my business - which I will share (per your feedback!) as soon as I can.

Below is a summary of your feedback so that you know what to expect in the coming months. Many of your ideas sparked new thoughts of my own (added bonus!), which I also shared below.

Survey Feedback Summary

What you like:

  • Practical advice and tips that are easy to incorporate into your daily routine
  • Demystifying big issues like finance, career and organization.
  • Clear, conversational tone with a sense of humor (blushing over here)

Content and ideas you'd like to see:

  • Be open, share my experiences and struggles; make a point to write a couple posts a month that are more self-reflective (to balance out the informative posts)
  • Post on a regular schedule to help readers know when to expect a new post
  • "Jenny Blake Approved" list of products
  • Include more images & video
  • Share my vision on where the website (and my life!) is going
  • Real life case studies and/or "Ask Jenny" Q&A
  • Specific post ideas: more on dating & relationships, overall happiness after college, staying positive, simple living tips, strategies for making friends.

Some ideas that I had as a result of your feedback:

  • Create a "templates" page with a link to all the templates I've shared
  • Restructure my coaching services in a major way - package my coaching around specific topics and offer as one-off sessions (so you don't have to commit to a 3-6 month engagement). I will still give people the option of ongoing coaching if that's what works best for them.
  • "Ask the Readers" feature - I'll post a question or predicament from a reader, people can weigh-in in the comments.
  • Short, 5-minute video interviews with people living "life after college" - focused on struggles and triumphs in different areas of life
  • Weekly Life After College virtual tip collection buckets - with a chance to be featured in my book!
  • Site map of best articles by category

I don't yet know when I will implement all of the ideas above, but it makes me excited to think about all the ways to build out this website even further. If this summary sparks any new ideas or requests (or if you haven't yet had a chance to participate), I'm leaving the survey open for a while longer.

Thanks again everyone! Jenny

P.S. Speaking of feedback - check out the video testimonials I did for Rypple, a great Web 2.0 service that provides a clean interface for quickly gathering and reviewing feedback.

Budgets ARE Sexy...When Simple

As my friend J-Money (okay, we've never met in person but he cracks me up and I love his blog) would tell you, Budgets Are Sexy. But not all of them. Some are just straight-up Debbie Downers. Before I get into my budgeting secret and awesome template (pretty sexy if I don't say so myself), let me welcome all of J's readers from his post featuring my paycheck distribution graphic today - thanks for stopping by! J-Money: Earmuffs. Everyone else: I hate budgets. Especially ones that break spending down into micro-micro-micro categories like "Beauty --> Hair --> Highlights." Don't get me wrong - I love the idea of retroactively seeing exactly how I've spent my money, especially by sub-category.  That is useful. Trying to project spending in $20 increments on a monthly basis across 25 categories is not.

Enter my Four-Step Budget (I really should think of a sexier name)

As far as I'm concerned, your budget should include four numbers:

  1. Total Monthly Income
    1. This includes: paychecks, side jobs, anything that brings money into your bank account
  2. Total Monthly Must-Have Expenses
    1. This includes: Rent, utilities, cell phone bills, anything that will incur late fees; groceries
    2. This should also include automatic savings deductions. Saving is a must!
  3. Total Monthly Nice-to-Have Expenses
    1. This is more variable, but try to estimate. Are there things that you KNOW you spend money on every month like going out to eat? My "nice to haves" are things like getting my nails done, going out to eat, and my addictions: Starbucks and Amazon books.
    2. This does not include: one-off purchases (like a TV), major shopping trips or major travel (unless you take frequent weekend trips).
  4. Allowance (The Leftovers)

    1. This is where your math skills (or my handy template) come in. Subtract your total expenses from your income to get your allowance. This is the money left-over each month for you to spend as you'd like - shopping, weekend travel, etc. For bigger purchases, you may want to start a separate savings account and add that deduction to your "must have" column. Check-out my earlier post on Creating a Weekend Budget.

The 4-Step Budget Template

To make this four-step budget even better, I've created a detailed template (in Google Spreadsheets) for you to copy and fill-in each of the four sections. This is not a one-shot deal (although even going through the exercise once will give you a great head-start) - this is something you should continue revising over time as you monitor your spending. I'd love to hear how the template works for you if you give it a try. If you really like it, do me a favor and give me a rating on Google's Template Gallery:

Need Some Help Getting Started?

Let me also take this opportunity to make a shameless plug for my coaching services! I'm not a financial planner and won't be giving you specific advice, but I will help you address major problem areas, make sure your spending is in line with your values, set goals around money management and implement practical systems that will help you feel like you're in charge of your money (not the other way around). Click here to sign-up for a free 30-minute session.

Not sold on my template? J-Money has a great list of Best Free Budget Templates & Sites.

On Confidence & Unconditional Love

Confidence. It's a funny thing. It is not black or white, something I have or I don't. I want to proclaim I am confident as a rock! Sturdy to the core! Regardless of my circumstances! But in reality, my confidence is more fluid; a state of mind that fluctuates based on the circumstances of my life, situations I am in, and the people I am surrounded by. And for reasons unclear to me, my confidence tank sprung a leak this year. A big one. I distinctly remember, in ninth grade, making the conscious decision to be more confident. "Love yourself - you're all you've got" was my mantra. It felt great. As cliche and Seventeen-magazine as it sounds, I realized I had a choice: I could either love and accept myself...or not. And given such a choice, why on earth would I choose the latter? I was born with a certain set of physical and mental traits - and I knew at the time that if I didn't put my foot down and decide to love those qualities, particularly the ones that would never change, I was setting myself up for a life of misery. Plus, who was I to shrug off all the blessings I'd been given by moping about what I was missing? Despite the melodrama of high school, confidence seemed to come easier back then.

Fast-forward to today. I've got a lot going for me, and objectively - on paper - I know that. But as I hit my quarter-life crisis this year (man, I thought somehow I'd be an exception to that rule), my confidence seemed to sneak out of the house while I wasn't looking. Love yourself - you're all you've got? Pffft! Love yourself IF you are successful, productive, in-shape, and in a relationship. Somehow those became the new conditions. Confidence became something I rationed to myself - little baits and switches if I did something WORTHY of it. Lose ten pounds - feel great! Gain ten pounds? Banished from love; punishable by self-loathing. This wasn't just about looks - it was about my overall state of self-worth, which had somehow become contingent on external measures. So here I am now, re-committing to loving myself unconditionally again. Confidence hangs out on a sliding scale with its cohorts self-esteem, self-worth and self-efficacy (hover over the links for definitions), and this year while my self-efficacy remained high, my overall confidence hit a major low. Am I confident in my ability to be resourceful and achieve my goals? No question. But am I confident that I deserve love - unconditional, unqualified love, from myself and others? I've been typing and erasing different answers for the last ten minutes. The ONLY answer should be YES. Because I know that I am worth it. See? Progress already.

Thank You + A Small Request for Feedback

First: Thanks are in Order! Thank you to everyone who submitted a ballot for Ryan Stephens' latest list of Top 10 Gen Y Blogs. Life After College moved up a spot this month to #5! You know me - I spent the day sending exclamation marks and emoticons out to the masses on Twitter to say thank you - but I wanted to make sure I also shared the news here on my blog. Thanks for your continued support and vote of confidence. It means the world to me.

I also wanted to point you to Ophelia's Web, one of my favorite new blogs. This week, Elisa featured me as her #blogcrush (another fantastic series recognizing the great work people are up to), in a post that literally took my breath away. I am honored and humbled by the depth and complimentary review of my blog. Plus, I cracked up at being referred to as a "cupcake-loving brunette Elle Woods." Thank you Elisa!

Second: A Small Request for 5 Minutes of Your Time

After almost two years of blogging, I'm collecting some long-overdue input from you about what's working so far at Life After College and what type of content you want to see more of.

The feedback survey (created with Google Docs, what else?!) should take about five minutes to complete.

Please be candid - I am really open to feedback and want to make sure I am serving you as best as I possibly can. I've asked for name and email address so that I have the opportunity to follow-up, and for some basic demographic information so I know more about who my readers are.

Click here to get started. Thanks!

Do More

Do More, by John H. RhoadesExcerpt from the book Be, Compiled by Kobi Yamada

Photo Courtesy of Flickr

Do more than exist, Live.

Do more than touch, Feel.

Do more than look, Observe.

Do more than read, Absorb.

Do more than hear, Listen.

Do more than listen, Understand.

Do more than think, Ponder.

Do more than talk, Say something.

A Day in the Life of My Paycheck

Ramit Sethi of I Will Teach You to Be Rich offers great advice (with an accompanying video) on automating your money. I'm also a big fan of automation - my paychecks are direct deposited into three accounts, my two savings accounts are funded automatically, and major bills are paid without me having to think about them (or worry about whether I have enough money in my accounts to pay them). Below is a diagram of the life of one of my paychecks, with a big disclaimer: I am not a financial planner, I do not claim this is the right or only way to manage your money, and no two people have the same bills, loans or savings goals - so take this with a grain of salt.

My paycheck is direct-deposited into three accounts:

  • Savings (41%)
    • This is not actually where I keep my  true savings. Because it is linked to my checking and credit card accounts, I found I was often sneaking money out to pay other bills. Now I use my savings account to pay my mortgage and student loans. I like keeping that money separate from my discretionary spending because it is the most important. My rent is a high proportion of my salary because I own a home - hopefully it will be less for you! If you're wondering why my mortgage (36%) and student loan (3%) don't add up to 41%, I keep a little extra money in that account for padding (~2%).
  • Checking (33%)
    • My short-term savings accounts are through ING Direct, and they automatically withdraw 3% of my paycheck each month (I would really like to get this number higher). Right now I have two short-term savings accounts: my emergency fund and my car fund (for unexpected repairs). I would like to add two more for clothes and travel. Ramit has a great post on why you should also have a wedding fund (shocking how fast even "modest" weddings add up). Check it out: The 28,000 question: Why are we all hypocrites about weddings?
    • Much to my chagrin, 10% of each paycheck goes to Homeowner Association Fees.
    • The remaining 22% goes to discretionary spending and bills. This is the number I have to watch more closely, to make sure that I have enough to pay my bills and my credit card. (Check out my very simple process for coming up with your monthly allowance (the non-budget budget). I do not pay my bills automatically (especially cell phone bills) because they are often variable and I want to make sure I'm paying attention. Would I like more than 22% to spend on bills and fun? YES. Do I have a compelling enough reason to justify lowering my retirement savings? Not really.
  • Roth 401(k) (24%)
    • Because this diagram shows my paycheck after taxes, my retirement savings comes out to 24%. The actual deduction is 16% (of my gross paycheck). I am really proud of this number. Each year I try to raise it 1%, especially while I am young and don't have a family to support.
    • Update: Part of the reason this number is so high is that my company has a great matching program - this is the amount needed for me to max out my contribution (therefore maxing out my free money!). If the company match was lower, I would contribute to get the maximum match, then funnel the rest of my savings into a more liquid investment account.

So there it is - a day in the life of my paycheck. This system is definitely a work-in-progress, but so far I'm happy with the way things are going. As always, I'd love to hear your strategies for making money management (and automation) easier. :)

*Side note: I may be slow to reply to comments this week because I am having eye surgery today. Eeeek! Wish me luck!

Making the Shift from Resistance to Gratitude

Samantha Karol, the creative and thoughtful blogger behind Life is Like a Box of Chocolates, is running a guest post series around the topic of Appreciation. The topic, and her post encouraging all of us to participate, immediately spoke to me. I can't think of a better theme to rally around. My post kicked off the series on Monday, and am re-posting here on Life After College for anyone who hasn't had a chance to read it. For those of you who have already read or commented - thank you! And if you're not already subscribed to Sam's blog - I highly encourage you to check it out. There will be some great posts from great bloggers coming up as part of the Appreciation Revolution.

Making the Shift from Resistance to Gratitude

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my health, my family, my friends, my readers, my possessions and many other things in this world — often to the brink of tears. Today I am dedicating this post to appreciating the less obvious gifts in my life. My hope for all of us is that in addition to appreciating our blessings, we can take a step back and appreciate the blessings-in-disguise too. I appreciate the days I work so hard I can barely remember to eat lunch, because I feel important, and I enjoy my vacation days that much more.

I am thankful for the chance to lead big, scary projects at work, because it means someone believes in me and because those projects push me to grow in ways I couldn’t plan for or predict.

I appreciate my overflowing inbox, because it means my life and work are abundant, and that people care.

I was secretly happy when my car broke down, because it gave me the kick I needed to bike to work and enjoy fresh, cold air every morning.

I am thankful for my 4-month writers block, because it helped me reconnect with myself, my message and my work.

I am grateful for the low moments in my life; the moments of despair, sadness, and disappointment, because they enable me to be more compassionate as a listener, coach and friend.

I am thankful that I haven’t seriously dated anyone in a year and a half, because I’ve filled my time with incredibly enriching people and projects.

Heck, I even appreciate being whistled, hooted and hollered at, because one day that will stop.

I appreciate my imperfections, because perfection is boring.

I am thankful that I don’t have everything figured out, because where is the fun in that?

How I Stay Organized

I would love to start this post by telling you that I have mastered personal organization and productivity. Yes, I've read books. I've read blogs. I've attended workshops. But do I have it all figured out? No. Not even close. I do think there is value in sharing some of the systems that work for me - that way you can try them out if you want. I'm actually more interested in what you do to stay organized when it comes to tasks, emails, tweets, and everything else on your plate. Please share in the comments!

How I Stay Organized

Schedule:

  • Google Calendar
    • I have one for work, one for personal events, and one for birthdays. On the birthday calendar, I set each event to last all day (so it shows up at the top) and to recur annually. For really important birthdays, you can also set an email or text reminder one week in advance.
  • Appointments spreadsheet
    • I use this to track medical and car appointments. I record "last appointment" and "next due" along with key contact information for each provider.

Emails:

  • Inbox
    • I am one of those people that uses my email as a to-do list. I do not ascribe to the "inbox to zero" philosophy if it means filing things I haven't finished or responded to just so they are out of my inbox. When I complete an action, I archive the email.
  • Enable "superstars" feature in gmail
    • Allows you to star emails with various symbols. I star an email when I need to respond to a person (rather than handle a task or read a newsletter); I "superstar" with an exclamation mark when I feel like I'm overdue on my reply.
  • Labels
    • I make sure the labels match the folder names on my computer and the categories in my Google Bookmarks (which I use so that I can access my bookmarks from any computer). I name frequent or important labels with numbers first (ex: 1 - Life After College).

Capturing ideas, notes, tasks:

  • Small Moleskin notebook
    • For personal use - capturing to-do lists on weekends, shopping lists, blog ideas, contact info, other notes when I'm on the go.
  • Work notebook - science lab style.
    • I primarily use this for taking meeting notes at work inside the notebook (duh), mostly so that I'm not distracted by trying to take notes on my laptop.
    • At the start of every week, I place a big post-it on the cover. I draw a line down the middle. On the left I list key work priorities, on the right I list personal tasks. When the week is over or I finish everything, I stick the post-it inside the notebook and label it with the date.
  • Todoist.com
    • A great online tool that allows you to group tasks by projects. I use this when I get overwhelmingly busy or am working on a complex project. Otherwise I find that a simple pen, paper and post-it works better for me.
  • iPhone
    • When I'm on the go, I email myself reminders and websites to check out. I used to use Jott for recording voice memos that were transcribed as emails, but I haven't since they started charging (even though it is a small fee and probably worth it).

Other Online "Collection" Buckets:

  • Keepers File
    • From my recent post: I have a Google Doc that houses "keeper" emails that make me smile. Instead of archiving them in email, I copy and paste into a Google Doc (with the name of sender and date) so they are all in one place.
  • Things to read later:
  • Networking Spreadsheet
    • This might sound mechanical, but I keep a list of people that I've scheduled calls with or that I know I want to reach out to. If someone reaches out to me, I also add them to the list. It helps me remember how I connected with someone, when we last spoke, and their contact information. I divide the spreadsheet into two parts: "not yet spoken with" and "archive."

Other Offline Collection Buckets:

  • A folder called "To File"
    • Where I stick bills and papers when I'm too lazy to file them in my filebox. When the "to file" folder gets big (about an inch thick), I file everything at the same time (usually while watching The Hills or something equally mind-numbing).
  • Post-it notes by my bed and front door
    • In case I really need to remember something the next day, I keep post-it notes handy at all times! Major reminders go on my bedroom door or my front door, depending on what I have to remember.
  • Key Plate
    • The most obvious: a plate by my front door to hold my keys. Which is whey are never lost (until I forget to take them with me and lock myself out).

Have I scared you yet?? I know this seems like a lot to keep track of. But when I try to consolidate I lose things, so I'm generally okay with this for now. That said, I would love to learn more tips and tricks from you (nothing like a good lifehack to spruce up the day) - please share yours in the comments!

P.S. I think the phrase "fill-in-the-blank-hack" will go down as one of the most over-used, over-rated words of the year. And yes, I used it anyway.

Gen Y in the Workplace Webinar: A Smorgasbord of Thoughts

I'm excited to share that I was the guest speaker on a Webinar last week called "Generations in the Workplace: Gen Y in Action." Whether you are Gen Y or you work with us (I think that covers almost everyone!), hopefully you will find value in the recordings. I give one key caveat: this doesn't not apply universally to everyone (we are all unique, after all) and many of these concepts could apply to people in other generations too. As one participant said, "This webinar is a must listen for every American CEO and his or her team of managers. Jenny articulates very clearly and with good humor, the unique qualities that define the seventy million members of Gen-Y. Jenny provides a  detailed and very perceptive key to the hearts and minds of the generation that is currently defining the cutting edge of our global economy."

On a Gen Y side note, it's that time again! Ryan Stephens is collecting votes for his August Top Gen Y Blogs ballot. Last time I was incredibly honored (and surprised!) to be voted #6. Submit a ballot if you are feeling so inclined - no pressure to vote for me, just a great chance to highlight and discover a list of great Gen Y blogs. To submit a ballot, you will select five blogs and email the list to ryanstephensmarketing(at)gmail.com, no later than July 29.

Back to the webinar: it is posted in two segments, in which I cover the following topics:

Gen Y in Action (Part One - 20 min):

  • Work styles unique to Gen Y
  • How the extracurricular-focus that got us into college manifests in the workplace
  • Shortcomings of Gen Y employees (with caveats!)
  • How to effectively manage Gen Y; Biggest mistakes managers make when managing Gen Y
  • Priorities for Gen Y: integrating work and life
  • How the economy has impacted Gen Y's attitudes toward work and their careers
  • One reason that making it through the rough economy is a good thing for us
  • Social Media: what's in, what's out

Gen Y in Action - Q&A from Participants (Part Two - 15 min):

  • Don't these attitudes apply to all generations? Or is it that they are more extreme for Gen Y?
  • What if someone from Gen Y isn't feeling included or engaged at work?
  • Does multi-tasking negatively affect the quality of Gen Y employees' work?
  • What advice do you have for a Gen Y employee who wants to maximize their work experience before going to business school?
  • What is Gen Y's greatest weakness in the workplace today?
  • How does Gen Y view diversity issues?
  • What do you think Gen Y will be like as managers?
  • Tell us about your book!

During the webinar, I referenced the following resources (click here for my highlights/summary of each article):

Dr. Lynn Vavreck on Embracing Uncertainty, Living Life Between Great Moments

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. –Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Just when you thought you had escaped commencement speech season! I am a little late to post this, but the content is truly timeless. This post is an excerpt of a graduation speech that one of my favorite people, my professor and mentor Lynn Vavreck, delivered to this year's graduating Political Science students at UCLA.

Whether you graduated this year, five years ago, or 20 years ago, Lynn's advice about embracing uncertainty and living life "inbetween moments" is touching and powerful. Lynn has always been an inspiration to me - she is the reason I took a leave of absence from UCLA to work at the start-up company without much of a clue about what I'd be doing. She believed in me and taught me many, many things about life and work (including how to cook a sweet potato).

I am also VERY excited to announce that Lynn's book, The Message Matters: The Economy and Presidential Campaigns, comes out today! For one of the graphs in the book, my friend and I spent a summer analyzing decades of New York Times archives on microfilm, so you can definitely say the book is thoroughly researched!

Excerpt from Dr. Lynn Vavreck's UCLA Commencement Address

What no one tells you about graduation day, is that it is, ironically, one of the least uncertain days you’ll ever have.

Well, sure, there’s that whole “future” thing out in front of you.  And, yes, the job market may be making it difficult to know what is coming next. But today – today you know what you’ve accomplished and what it means to those around you.

You know what you spent the last four or more years working for.  You know who you are today – you are a college graduate.  And you know how that makes you feel: good, proud, satisfied. The truth is, though, that most of the rest of your days will not have this clarity.

You will leave school confident that you will succeed in what you do – and so you will.  And you will gather accomplishments and responsibilities along the way. You will get a job and then get promoted; and maybe one day you will become someone’s boss. You will meet interesting, engaging people; maybe you will marry one of these people, and buy a house or two – combine your assets, maybe start a family. You will lose people you care about, sometimes slowly and quietly, and other times dramatically and profoundly. And the constant throughout all of this will not be the clarity, like today, but in fact just the opposite; the constant will be the uncertainty you feel.

No matter how much we have taught you, no matter how much I tell you that science, discovery, and imagination will save us as a society – unless you learn to love the unanswered questions in your life the tension between what you want for yourself and what others expect of you – none of your knowledge and accomplishments will matter. No amount of imagination and reason will save you if you do not know how to make yourself happy.

And to me that means one very specific thing: learning to live with and embrace the everyday tensions that your life will bring to you. Life is a series of pushes and pulls – and most of us never end up on one side or the other – we just live somewhere in the middle. You want to do one thing, but have to do another.  You know you should feel one way, but you actually feel the opposite.  We live somewhere in the middle.

But the middle can be good. It can be very good, but you have to stop worrying about figuring out whether you should be pushing or pulling at any given moment. Live the uncertainty, live the questions, live in the middle and love it.

The key to doing this is figuring out what sustains you. How do you make yourself happy? What will it take to get you out of bed in the morning after you’ve been up late working and all your suits are at the cleaners and there’s nothing for breakfast and you’re big presentation is less than hour away? How do you live with failure and still believe you can succeed? Most frightening of all, what will you do when you achieve your dream, when you reach your goal, when the thing that is supposed to bring you ultimate joy has been accomplished? What will sustain you then? Too many people learn the hard way that achieving your dream isn’t the same as achieving happiness. They find they are still living in the middle with no idea whether to push or pull.

So let me return to where I started:  I should probably tell you that no idea is too small and no ambition too great…that you can achieve your dreams.  But I fear that sets you up for disappointment, because life isn’t about days like today – life is about all the days in between days like today.

Enduring happiness comes from embracing the on-going push and pull of typical days – From finding beauty in the mundane, From celebrating the small moments of contentedness, From understanding that 100,000 “pretty good” days is better than 6 “amazing” days.

Life happens in the middle. In the middle of the push & pull and in the middle of all the truly celebratory moments.

Everybody Needs a Keepers File

This puppy has nothing to do with my post, but hes definitely a keeper! I may be stating the obvious on this one. The painfully obvious. But it's so important to me that I feel compelled to make sure you are in the loop too.

It's called a Keepers file, and everybody needs one. You'll know a "keeper" when you see it - it's an email, tweet or otherwise glowing note about you that makes you smile from ear-to-ear. The kind that makes your whole day, week or month. Keepers are like gold nuggets that never lose their value. You'll know it's a Keeper because every time you read it you feel energized, confident and/or appreciated.

Your Keepers deserve a home. They are proof of how hard you've worked, the impact you've had -- or maybe they just make you laugh. I began saving Keepers a few years ago when I started training new hires at Google (thanks to a tip from a more seasoned co-worker). As the emails came in, I would label them "Keepers" and read through the email folder on rainy days when I needed a pick-me-up.

Now I've figured out a better system - every time a Keeper comes in, I copy and paste it into a Google Doc with a note about who it came from. WOW. What a difference the new system has made! Emails were a little tough to sift through - the Google doc is like a Keepers file on a quad-shot latte.

I don't read Keepers to be vain, and I don't re-read them all that often. I read them when I need a reminder about the difference I made in someone else's life, or an accomplishment I am proud of. I read them when I've forgotten that I have so much to be thankful for. I hope you are doing yourself the favor of saving Keepers too.

Practice the Golden Rule of Dating - Guest Post by Jeremy Orr

Editor's Note: This post is written by Jeremy Orr with collaboration and editing from me. Jeremy does not have a blog (yet!) but you can follow his often witty and generally hilarious tweets here. Jeremy is a good friend I met in high school through the CA Youth & Government program. If you want to put a face to the name, check-out this embarrassingly old picture of us (Photo was taken with my good friend Lauren Jew in high school; note that I practically have blond hair!). For a more current photo, check out this picture from our recent sailing adventure, in which we further developed many of the ideas in this post.

Just for Fun (Photo by Fuffer on Flickr)

Practice the Golden Rule of Dating

The golden rule of dating is the same golden rule you learned in grammar school: treat others the way you want to be treated. It may sound obvious and cliche, but based on some of my recent experiences, let me provide a little refresher on common courtesies when it comes to dating or being in a relationship.

Dating 2.0

Dating today seems much more casual than in decades past. Technology - whether online profiles, cell phones, emails, chat or voicemail - allows for a certain distance while also keeping us conveniently connected. The "traditional" methods of dating have gone out the window. Meeting someone in a bar seems so passé. And meeting a friend of a friend is awkward - if it doesn’t work out, you could lose a friend in the process! As much as we may hate to admit it, online dating has become a more viable option, especially considering how much information people openly share online these days. Online dating may be less stigmatized, but still no one wants to admit that they actually do it!

The rub of dating for our generation has become anonymity. In my experience, people seem to use technology to stretch the truth (and worse) when it comes to dating. I can understand it but I cannot condone it.

The Truth and Nothing but the Truth

Here’s why I understand stretching the truth or pretending to be someone you are not: you are dating, you want to get out into the world (cyber or otherwise) and you want to present your best self. You want to obtain the best possible match. Let's face it, almost everyone wants to date up. Everyone wants to find someone that is the best for them. You want to see what that magic mirror version of yourself can fetch on the open market. Not what your "I forgot to shave and brush my teeth" self can muster. In that sense, I understand it. It happens to the best of us. However, that does not mean it is okay to lie.

For those of you doing online dating: are you 5’9? Tell people you are 5’9 and not 5’11. People are going to notice those two inches. People lie about their height or weight before meeting and seem to think that is okay. It is not. It is misrepresenting yourself. If you are dishonest before you meet someone, it does not matter if you think your wonderful personality and stunning wit will win them over. They will be automatically turned off by your little fib.

Jeremy's Obligatory Personal Anecdote (OPA): I met a nice girl online once. She was very cute in her profile pics. We shared some emails in which we shared some common interests and I thought she was funny, playful, and sharp. Three things I like. We made plans to meet for coffee. I got there early and was excited. She showed up and was (now I am no carnival barker) 60 pounds heavier than her pictures. I am not opposed to a girl who is bigger, especially if she has a great attitude and owns her look. However, I felt lied to. I felt like I was intentionally deceived. I was polite, enjoyed my beverage, but no matter how well our meeting went, it could not make up for the initial misrepresentation.

To Thine Own Self Be True

Just be comfortable with who you are and what you do. Know what you like and what you seek in another person. Ideally you want to find someone who likes to do what you like to do, not someone who likes what you like them to do (and vice versa). Don't lie to make yourself seem interesting or more attractive. If the other person isn't interested in you for you, let them go. This can be hard to do, especially if the other person represents an idealized version of yourself - someone or something you wish you were. But do it anyway. Move on. The things you expect from other people, like being in shape, you must also do yourself. It is okay to put your best self out there, but be honest about it.

Be upfront and let people know what you are looking for - that is the only way you will find it. For some of us, we need to stop and take the time to think about what it is that we want. Be honest with yourself. Are you looking for a long term relationship or just a good time? Are you in a relationship that you know is a dead-end? These are things we have to take the time to think about. Understandably, sometimes we are looking for different things at different moments in our lives. We are complex beings. But if we can't understand ourselves and what we want, then how can we ever expect anyone else to understand us? Take the time to find out what it is you are looking for.

The End of the Road

Honesty needs to happen in all phases of dating, not just before you meet and while getting to know someone. It is also important to be honest if a relationship is coming to an end. If you aren’t interested in someone, it can be a difficult phone call to make: sorry, this isn't working for me and I want to let you know.

When do you "owe" someone this call? If you have just gone out on a first date and it didn't go well, do you need to call and let them know? If it would be awkward without a call, you need to make the call. Perhaps you find they appreciate your candor and you will feel better about yourself. You will be presenting a positive you into the dating realm that you can feel good about. This self-confidence will ultimately help you. Besides, don’t you appreciate it if someone is honest with you? Yes, it sucks to know that the person doesn’t like you, but at least you know. When you think all is well and that person just drops off the face of the earth it can be somewhat concerning. Make the difficult phone call; you’ll be glad you did.

Bottom line: if you are doing something and wouldn't want it done to you, you shouldn't do it. So as cliche as it sounds, we could all use a reminder to go by the golden rule when dating: treat other people the way you want to be treated. Walk around with your head held high knowing you are someone who dates with honesty, integrity, and respect. Join the club, I’ll have patches made for our sleeves. We can even meet for coffee once a month to share scar stories from break-up phone calls gone awry.

Unplugged: A Quick Video to Say Hello

It's been a while since you last heard from me...there is a good reason, I promise! This video is a short note to say hello, tell you I am still alive, and give you a quick peek at what I've been up to. Now back to my margarita... :)

P.S. As for the shaky camera work? I think my family and I have had too much coffee this week!

WSJ: Best Online Tools for Personal Finance

Earlier this month, the Wall Street Journal published a special insert called "The Best Online Tools for Personal Finance." I have shared a few tools on this blog in the past, but wanted to make sure I pass along a few more gems from the article for your financial management arsenal. (The Best of) WSJ's Best Online Tools for Personal Finance:

Article: Best and worst advice for recent grads from prominent experts

A personal favorite not listed in the article: Kiva.org - Kiva allows you to finance micro-loans for entrepreneurs around the globe (for as low as $25). When your loan is repaid, you can either get the money back or reinvest with someone else. A brilliant system if you ask me. (See my previous post: A Lesson in Micro-Credit and Loans that Change Lives)

Am I (and by proxy, the Wall Street Journal) missing any good online money management tools? Let me know!

Book Notes: The War of Art

"Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it, and the more important it is to the growth of our soul. If you didn't love the project that is terrifying you, you wouldn't feel anything. The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference."

-Steven Pressfield, The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles

From time to time I post notes on this blog from special books that I believe will really help people think about their lives in a new or different way.

I heard about The War of Art while reading Chris Guillebeau's E-Book, 279 Days to Overnight Success. I saw the title and subtitle and without reading a single review or even the book description, I bought it. I was that desperate.

I hadn't worked on my book in months, and it was eating away at me. As Pressfield describes it, "A low-grade misery pervades everything." I thought I needed to figure myself out before continuing to write. After reading this book, I realized that while self-reflection is helpful, there are times that it is just plain procrastination wrapped up in a pretty bow. Or in my case, a complicated one.

What I loved about this book was the way it helped me frame my resistance, a sneaky form of inner critic that can seem very helpful at times. While this book is focused on writing, it applies to a much broader spectrum of efforts and touches upon procrastination, self-doubt, professionalism and fears that arise as we strive to fulfill our true purpose.

I believe we are all meant to be creative (check-out The Artist's Way for the definitive book on this topic). To be creative is to be human, to be fulfilled. Pressfield helps break-down some of the common obstacles to creativity - he helps you get out of your own way.

Just like my last round of book notes, I preface this with a GET READY FOR A LONG POST! disclaimer. This book may not speak to everyone the way it spoke to me - but I hope that those who do read the full notes will come away with something truly valuable. Want to share books? Add me on Good Reads

The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles Steven Pressfield

Book One: Resistance - Defining the Enemy

There's a secret that real writers know that wannabe writers don't, and the secret is this: it's not the writing part that's hard. What's hard is sitting down to write. What keeps us from sitting down is Resistance.

To yield to Resistance deforms our spirit. It stunts us and makes us less than we are and were born to be.

Does Resistance have to cripple and disfigure our lives before we wake up to its existence?

Any act that rejects immediate gratification in favor of long-term growth, health, or integrity will elicit Resistance.

Resistance is Invisible: We experience it as an energy field radiating from a work-in-potential. It's a repelling force. It's negative. Its aim is to shove us away, distract us, prevent us from doing our work.

Resistance will tell you anything to keep you from doing your work. It will perjure, fabricate, falsify; seduce, bully, cajole.

Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul's evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.

Resistance is fueled by fear: We feed it with power by our fear of it.

Resistance obstructs movement only from a lower sphere to a higher. It kicks in when we seek to pursue a calling in the arts, launch an innovative enterprise, or evolve to a higher station morally, ethically, or spiritually.

The danger is greatest when the finish line is in sight. At this point, Resistance knows we're about to beat it. It hits the panic button.

Resistance by definition is self-sabotage.

Procrastination is the most common manifestation of Resistance because it's the easiest to rationalize. We don't tell ourselves, "I'm never going to write my symphony." Instead we say, "I am going to write my symphony; I'm just going to start tomorrow."

The most pernicious aspect of procrastination is that it can become a habit.

Casting yourself as a victim is the antithesis of doing your work. Don't do it. If you're doing it, stop.

What does Resistance feel like? Unhappiness. We feel like hell. A low-grade misery pervades everything. We're bored, we're restless. We can't get no satisfaction. There's guilt but we can't put our finger on the source. We want to go back to bed; we want to get up and party. We feel unloved and lovable. We're disgusted. We hate our lives. We hate ourselves.

Self-doubt can be an ally. This is because it serves as an indicator of aspiration. It reflects love, love of something we dream of doing, and desire, desire to do it.

Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember our rule of thumb: the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it, and the more important it is to the growth of our soul.

If you didn't love the project that is terrifying you, you wouldn't feel anything. The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference.

Here's the trick: We're never alone. As soon as we step outside the campfire glow, our Muse lights on our shoulder like a butterfly. The act of courage calls forth infallibly that deeper part of ourselves that supports and sustains us.

There is a concept that one needs to complete his healing before he is ready to do his work. This way of thinking is a form of Resistance. What are we trying to heal, anyway? The athlete knows the day will never come when he wakes up pain-free. He has to play hurt.

The part we create from can't be touched by anything our parents did, or society did. In fact, the more troubles we've got, the better and richer that part becomes.

Don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against true healing. We all need it. But it has nothing to do with doing our work and it can be a colossal exercise in Resistance. Resistance loves "healing." It knows that the more psychic energy we expend on dredging and re-dredging the tired, boring injustices of our personal lives, the less juice we have to do our work.

It's one thing to lie to ourselves. It's another thing to believe it.

Rationalization is Resistance's spin doctor. What's particularly insidious about the rationalizations that Resistance presents to us is that a lot of them are true. They're legitimate. What Resistance leaves out, of course, is that all that means diddly.

Book Two: Combating Resistance

Someone once asked Somerset Maugham if he wrote on a schedule or only when struck by inspiration. "I write only when inspiration strikes," he replied. "Fortunately it strikes every morning at nine o'clock sharp." That's a pro.

All of us are pros in one area: our jobs. Now: Are there principles we can take from what we're already successfully doing in our workaday life and apply to our artistic aspirations? What exactly are the qualities that define us as professionals? We show up every day. We show up no matter what. We stay on the job all day. We are committed over the long haul. The stakes for us are high and real. We accept remuneration for our labor. We do not over-identify with our jobs.

Resistance knows that an amateur composer will never write his symphony because he is overly invested in his success and over-terrified of its failure. The amateur takes it so seriously it paralyzes him.

The more you love your art/calling/enterprise, the more important its accomplishment is to the evolution of your soul, the more you will fear it and the more Resistance you will experience facing it.

A professional is patient: Resistance outwits the amateur with the oldest trick in the book: It uses his own enthusiasm against him. Resistance gets us to plunge into a project with an overambitious and unrealistic timetable for its completion. It knows we can't sustain that level of intensity. We will hit the wall. We will crash.

The professional arms himself with patience, not only to give the stars time to align in his career, but to keep himself from flaming out in each individual work.

The professional will not tolerate disorder. He eliminates chaos from his world in order to banish it from his mind.

The amateur believes he must first overcome his fear; then he can do his work. The professional knows that fear can never be overcome. He knows that once he gets out into the action, his fear will recede and he'll be okay.

A professional accepts no excuses: He knows if he caves in today, no matter how plausible the pretext, he'll be twice as likely to cave in tomorrow.

A professional is prepared at a deeper level. He is prepared, each day, to confront his own self-sabotage.

The professional keeps his eye on the doughnut and not on the hole.

A professional self-validates: An amateur lets the negative opinion of others unman him. He takes external criticism to heart, allowing it to trump his own belief in himself and his work. Resistance loves this.

The professional learns to recognize envy-driven criticism and to take it for what it is: the supreme compliment. The critic hates most that which he would have done himself if he had the guts.

I like the idea of being Myself, Inc. That way I can wear two hats. I can hire myself and fire myself. It reinforces the idea of professionalism because it separates the artist-doing-the-work from the will-and-consciousness-running-the-show.

There's no mystery to turning pro. It's a decision brought about by an act of will. We make up our mind to view ourselves as pros and we do it. Simple as that.

Book Three: Beyond Resistance - Higher Realm

The most important thing about art is to work. Nothing else matters except sitting down every day and trying. When we sit down and work, we become like a magnetized rod that attracts iron filings. Ideas come. Insights accrete.

The Mother of all Fears is so close to us that even when we verbalize it we don't believe it. Fear That We Will Succeed. That we can access the powers we secretly know we possess. We know that if we embrace our ideals, we must prove worthy of them. And that scares the hell out of us.

Yeah, we lose friends. But we find friends too, in places we never thought to look. And they're better friends, truer friends. And we're better and truer to them.

We can't be anything we want to be. We come into this world with a specific, personal destiny. We have a job to do, a calling to enact, a self to become. Our job in this lifetime is not to shape ourselves into some ideal we imagine we ought to be, but to find out who we already are and become it.

Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It's a gift to the world and every being in it. Don't cheat us of your contribution. Give us what you've got.

Happy Birthday T-Bone!

My younger brother, Tom, turns 23 today, and in lieu of a fancy present I am writing him a note on this blog. I hope it's not too embarrassing for him. :::big smile and a wink:::

First, a little context

Tom just graduated from UCLA with big dreams of playing football in the NFL. He signed with an agent, but got injured during the first event of his 49ers tryout. I believe that dream is still possible. But instead of waiting around, letting the circumstances get him down, or furiously treading water to stay afloat while looking for an entry-level office job, my brother took the road less traveled.

Tom is starting his own company for an idea he is passionate about (which I can't wait to share when the time is right). Through his alumni network he found incredible business partners. He filed paperwork to get a business license and become incorporated as an LLC. He has a business plan, a break-even analysis, a logo and sample products in production from manufacturers in LA and China.

I am blown away, more every day, by how real it is. It is not just talk. It is the ultimate pre-emptive strike against the woes so eloquently described by Pamela Slim in Escape from Cubicle Nation (a must-read for other entrepreneurial office-dwellers).

With that, my Happy Birthday note

T-Bone, I am so ridiculously, incredibly, unbelievably proud of you. Your optimism, spirit and drive are amazing. Your attitude toward life is inspiring. You had an idea and you went for it. You did not let a single fear hold you back. You built relationships with people who want to help you. You make people laugh. All the time. The qualities that make you great at football - strength, speed, discipline, instinct and the ability to quickly process information - will serve you very well in business. You are smart as a whip. You make me proud to be a Blake.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! -J-Bones